Ever notice how sometimes God gives us a warning of what’s coming so that it’s not quite such a shock? This has happened to me more times than I can count, and it happened again with this last miscarriage. Last week, while still pregnant, I read a blog written by a woman who was angry at God. She was at a place of disappointment and confusion, and was just mad. She basically laid out an ultimatum of “You better show up, God, or I am out of here.” As I read this I thought, “Could I ever get to that place? Could that be me?” I actually thought about how I would respond if I were to lose this baby. How would I feel? Could I be so angry at God that I would consider walking away from Him? My answer within myself was, “No, I don’t think so,” but honestly, I wasn’t totally sure.
And then it happened.
No heartbeat on the ultrasound. And my first response was anger. I’m not sure who or what I was angry at. It was more the situation, the fact that this had happened. AGAIN. My fourth miscarriage, this time at 11 weeks, the earliest loss so far. But, then if you start tracing roots… that would ultimately lead back to the sovereignty of God, so I guess if I was angry at the circumstance, then by default I was angry at God.
That night I finally opened up to my husband and just laid my feelings out there. Poor guy, sometimes he’s the last to know how I’m feeling. But this time, I told him all the gory details. Cried, bawled and sobbed it all out, and woke up okay the next morning. And then sometime that day, God brought to mind the song by Mercy Me called “Bring the Rain”. This was a song that had spoken deeply to me during the time of the second miscarriage (which I lost at 18 weeks). The lyrics are amazing and so meaningful to anyone who has been through tough trials:
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on You, oh Lord,
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray…
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
It was the line “But if that’s what it takes to praise You” that really struck me and here’s why: God chose to promise my husband and me a daughter. I don’t know why. I longed for a daughter for many years, but I can honestly say that He has taken that longing from me and made me content with the three boys that I have. But for some reason, He has made it clear to me that there is a daughter for us. And He gave me a special name for her. It’s a name that has incredibly personal and deep meaning for me and what I’ve been through these last few years. The name is, in itself, a promise of healing and redemption. He has given this daughter of ours an incredible back story, and she’s not even here yet.
Because of this back story and because of the ways God has been at work in my life, I know that when she arrives in my arms, HE will be GLORIFIED! When I remembered those lyrics on Friday, what hit me was this: God is going to be glorified through the birth of our daughter. So, if He chose to not allow this child to be born to us at this time, it could only be because He will receive MORE glory from her not being born than if she were. I do not understand how this is possible. I do not understand how this will play out. But I do believe that His glory is why I am living my life on this earth and if losing this baby will bring Him glory, then so be it.
Does it make this easy? No. Does this mean I won’t have moments where I dissolve into a puddle of tears? No. Will I mourn this child every December as the due date passes and there is no birthday cake with a growing number of candles to blow out? YES. But, I also know that the pain will diminish with time. And I will choose to believe that when it’s time to try again, God will give me the strength to face it. And I will choose to believe that even if I lose that baby too, it’s still for His glory.
There’s a passage in the Book of Job describing Job’s reaction when he was told that all of his children and wealth had been destroyed:
“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.’” Job 1:20-21
I hope that one day I will be at the place Job was. He was neck deep in grief, but his first response was to fall to the ground in worship of a Holy and Sovereign God. My first response this time was anger. May He continue to work in my heart so that next time I choose to worship… first.
May I pray?
Father God, there are some things we will never understand. And yet, like Angela, we have to trust that even in the midst of our most painful trials, You are still in control. And You have purpose. Lord, thank You for never changing. You are always good, You are always holy, and You are always holding us close. Help us to surrender our hurts, trials and disappointments to You. May You shine Your light of hope and love through us into our dark circumstances. May You be glorified in our life. Amen.
Q4U: Do you have a Rising Above Real Life story? You can encourage others by sharing your journey. Please contact me at Joy@RisingAboveRealLife.com. Names can remain confidential.